What Should We Do About Iguanas?
The Subconscious Fat of Iguanas in Miami
A similar post originally published in The Jitney.
I have little blocks of sharp cheese in front of me. I enjoy writing and then rewarding myself with a few tasty treats.
I reach for a few cheese cubes, but Mr. Skeptical blocks out my hand, grabbing a few first. A dirty look follows. But before I can complain, he comments, “I suppose you have a solution to the iguana problem?”
I’ll confront his mooching tendencies later. “Yes. I do.”
He leans back in his chair and folds his arms, giving me the most sarcastic look imaginable, while chewing my yummy cheese blocks. “And what makes you an iguana expert?”
I shoot back, “Common sense.”
Subconscious Fat at 30,000 feet
How bad is the iguana problem?
Last year the city of Miami Beach spent $50,000 on iguana removal. This year $200,000. Iguanas cause power outages and burrow holes four to six feet deep, but interconnected tunnels can reach eighty feet. Females lay clutches of eggs, numbering 14-76 eggs. Residents can legally kill iguanas as long as it’s done humanely.
The iguanas are invasive because they come from Central and South America. Mr. Skeptical perks up, wanting to interrupt me. However, I keep writing fast, ignoring him. Due to increasing temperatures in South Florida, the iguanas have adapted well to the hot and humid South Florida climate.
Mr. Skeptical interrupts me. “So, you’re saying along with the Central American immigration problem the U.S. already has, with criminals and fentanyl crossing the border, they’re bringing in iguanas too?”
“No. I didn’t say Central American immigrants bring iguanas to the United States.”
He shrugs he is shoulders. “I’m sure some have. They need food when crossing the border.”
“You’re coming up with some idiotic and racist ideas. Are you in QAnon?”
His eyes avert mine, and he doesn’t answer.
Hmmmmm.
In the above pic, the iguanas are chilling out. I moved in closer and took the bottom pic, scaring one iguana to move. Yet, the giant iguana doesn’t budge. It sat there, staring me down.
Subconscious Fat at 10,000 feet
Mr. Skeptical laughs. “I love the pics. The big iguana showed you who’s boss.”
I grab a few cheese cubes, hoping it’ll help swallow my pride too.
Common sense dictates that we look at countries with iguanas to see if we can learn something. And, of course, we can. In USA Today, William Kern, a professor at the University of Florida said,
People have been eating iguanas since at least 10,000 years ago, when humans reached the New World tropics. It was a readily available, not-too-dangerous food source. It’s always been part of the diet.
Mr. Skeptical gets up and starts pacing the room. “This is common sense.” He brings up his hands to show air quotes around common sense. “Well, I’m not eating iguana. It’s a Central and South American thing. It’s un-American.”
“Well, we had a Mexican restaurant in Coral Gables that used to serve iguana in a traditional soup called a pozole.”
Mr. Skeptical stops pacing and stares at me. “I suppose you tried it, right?”
“I wanted to. Unfortunately, since Covid, they’ve stopped serving it.”
“Did you go to the restaurant and complain about no longer serving iguana?”
“No.”
Mr. Skeptical smiles sarcastically. “You should go and bitch them out. Be sure to use Spanish curse words.”
Yes, it’s looking more and more like Mr. Skeptical may be involved in QAnon.
Subconscious Fat at Eye-Level
In Central and South America, iguanas are endangered. They’re threatened because people eat them. Iguana eggs are considered a luxury food item.
Why hasn’t a South Florida entrepreneur opened a restaurant offering iguana meat on the menu? Many Floridians would want to eat iguanas to help with the overpopulation.
Mr. Skeptical simply shakes his head with a disgusted look on his face. Then his eyes widen and brighten up. Something Machiavellian cooking in his brain. He says, “The pics of the iguanas are where you park your car, right?”
“Yes. Why?”
Mr. Skeptical smiles, leaning in closer to me. “When winter comes, and it gets colder. One of these big iguanas will want to get near your warm car engine.” He chuckles. “I picture you trying to get into your car and a huge iguana running out from underneath or inside your car, freaking you out, making you fall into the bay.” He continues laughing while grabbing the last few of my precious remaining cheese cubes.
“I don’t think I’ll fall into the bay. But I’ll grab the iguana and YouTube how to cook it. Then I’ll bring it in for you to snack on.” I stare at the empty bowl of cheese cubes. “I’ll do a whole The Help novel and movie cooking routine. Iguanas leave their shit everywhere. I’ll be sure to spice it up for you.”
Practical Suggestions and Conclusions
Mr. Skeptical remains quiet. Ahh, it feels so good. Victory!
Let’s open our minds to trying iguana meat if offered. If anyone knows where in Miami I can get some, please let me know. I’d love to support a restaurant entrepreneur who can help decrease the invasive iguana in South Florida.
Be aware and put your money where your mouth is.
