Mr. Skeptical (grinning, holding up a carton of oat milk): "Alright, I think I’ve found something even you can’t argue with—oat milk."
I smile. “Thanks for that. I’ve just decided that this article will be on oat milk.”
Mr. Skeptical eyes narrow in on me. He and I both know I’ll find oat milk’s downside. In the material world of creating and manifesting better technologies in transportation (airplanes, rockets, cars) and communication (phones, GPS, WIFI), the innovations are often excellent, advancing humanity. However, with food, not so much. Should we even be trying to innovate when it comes to food?
Subconscious Fat at 30,000 Feet
I cross my arms, raising an eyebrow. "Let me guess. You’re about to claim it’s the perfect alternative to dairy. Lower in calories, full of nutrients, good for the environment, and better for your brain health, right?"
Mr. Skeptical smirks. "Exactly. Plus, it’s plant-based. Cows are so last century."
I roll my eyes. "Oh, please, oat milk is just sugary water pretending to be healthy. Have you ever checked the nutrition label? That thing is loaded with carbs and added sugars."
Mr. Skeptical smirks. "Sugary water? Come on, it’s not that bad.”
I stand up, a little angry now. “It’s worse than that. Oat milk and water taste horrible, so they put maltose in it to make it taste better for commercial use.”
“So, what’s wrong with maltose?”
“Maltose happens to have the highest glycemic index of all the sugars. It’s glycemic index is 105.” I can’t help but smile, for Mr. Skeptical has just lost a few inches in stature.
Subconscious Fat at 10,000 Feet
After shrinking a little, Mr. Skeptical fires back. “Oats are packed with beta-glucans, which are good for your heart. Plus, it’s lactose-free—none of that gut-busting dairy drama."
I snort. "Lactose-free, sure, but it’s also nutrient-free. It’s like someone took a handful of oats, soaked them in water, then strained out anything remotely useful."
Mr. Skeptical (mock shock, hand over heart): "How dare you slander my precious oat milk. It’s got vitamins! Fortified with B12, calcium, and vitamin D—"
"Fortified," I interrupt, "which means they had to add nutrients back in because oats don’t naturally have them. Might as well just eat a multivitamin and call it a day. And there’s more that goes into processing it.”
“You mean more in how it’s made?”
“Yes. A lot more. Chemicals and Vegetable oils are used to make oat milk. Die potassium phosphate is a food additive linked to kidney disease and early death. Canola oil is used to make oat milk. In fact, an order of McDonald's french fries and oat milk has the same amount of vegetable oils.”
Subconscious Fat at Eye-Level
Mr. Skeptical shrugs, and I’m perplexed. Does he not remember when I spoke about the dangers of canola oil? See that post here.
Mr. Skeptical says, "Look, moderation is key. But oat milk doesn’t come with all the ethical baggage. You know, less water use, lower carbon footprint—"
"Spare me the eco-lecture," I say, shaking my head. "Oat farming isn’t some magical, guilt-free process either. Plus, all that processing to turn oats into milk—you're left with something more processed than the milk you’re trying to replace."
Mr. Skeptical leans forward, serious now. "Hey, it’s still a better option than almond milk. That stuff drains the environment and kills bees. Oat milk’s the compromise."
"So, we’re just picking the lesser evil now? Great. How about we just stop pretending and drink water or raw milk? No sugar spikes, no fake nutrients, no environmental harm. And one more strike for oat milk is that it contains a lectin-type protein that acts like gluten. I hope you can remember how bad gluten is.”
Practical Suggestions and Conclusions
Mr. Skeptical puts his hands up in mock surrender. "Fine, fine. Stick to your steak and eggs, but don’t knock oat milk for those who enjoy a smoother coffee experience.”
"Smooth coffee? More like dessert in a cup. But hey, you do you—just don’t try to sell it to me as health food."
"So, what’s your alternative suggestion? Should we all just go back to drinking water and munching on meat?"
“A better alternative is to make the milk yourself so it’s not so processed.”
“I don’t want a new job.”
“I know most people don’t have the patience to make their milk. However, if you do, coconut milk would be the easiest. And if you want to buy a milk alternative, coconut milk is the healthiest option, but be sure it’s unsweetened.”
Be aware.
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I tried oat milk in coffee once. Interesting flavor profile but I’m sticking with regular milk in my coffee.